Child manipulation: how to resist it?

Children, even the youngest ones, are amazingly effective manipulators. They masterfully use tears, entreaties, and sweet looks to get what they want from their parents. And as they get older, they only hone their skills. What do parents who are concerned about this behavior need to pay attention to?

Not the fairest of weapons.
Everyone is probably familiar with the situation where the interlocutor forces us to talk, act or experience unpleasant feelings against our will. Psychologists call it manipulation. Sometimes it can last for years, if the victim is not aware of his dependency or can not find the strength to change the situation, does not know how to do it.

It is especially frustrating when we become victims of our own children’s manipulation. Ashamed of having a tantrum in public in the supermarket, we buy an expensive toy. Grudgingly letting a teenager go to a party, because “I already asked my daddy, he said it was okay. Time after time to resolve conflicts with classmates, teachers, relatives, about which the child tells with a sorrowful look, always acting as a victim.

We all use techniques of manipulation – most often unconsciously and often non-verbal. Intonation, posture, heavy sigh, for example, quite clearly communicate to the interlocutor: you are the victim of his decision, and it would have been right to do otherwise. So what now: do not sigh, do not wrinkle your nose and do not splash your hands? Calling for this, of course, is silly. You just need to be aware that we are now using the interlocutor, a partner “undercover”: trying to force him to do something we need, without declaring their intentions.

Manipulator very accurately determine the weakness of the future victim and affect it, causing guilt, fear or shame, playing on the desire to be responsible, reasonable, grateful, “good mother” …

Having succumbed to the provocation, the victim obediently performs what he is pushed to do. Such a primitive mechanism is at the heart of all manipulation.

Tears, threats, and blackmail
Children and adolescents can use quite a few techniques spontaneously applied by adults and fixed because “it works!”

Tears in the form of “showmanship” in order to placate parents and get what they want.
Threats: “If you do this to me, I will quit school,” “I will run away from home,” “If you…, I will go on vacation with daddy and his new wife.”
Speculation: “If you really loved me…”
Referring to other families: “No one in our class walks around with such an old smartphone,” “Everyone is allowed to come home after twelve,” “They don’t make other people do oral classes,” “Everyone will go there…”
Blackmail: “Spending the whole weekend with you in the rain at the cottage will probably make me sick,” “Does Dad know you’re going to the cafe with your girlfriends?”
Family rift: “Daddy said I could stay out longer.”
Lying: “Yes, Mom, I did my homework,” “I didn’t know anything about it,” “I was on my way home, but…,” “I wanted to warn you, but my phone ran out.”
Demonstrating a depressed state to make anxious parents forget recent transgressions and do whatever it takes to support their beloved child.
Flattery and demonstrating exemplary behavior. If the child suddenly became pathologically polite, shows atypical zeal to take out the trash, clean the room, go to bed on time, it means that he hopes to bargain for something soon.

Each technique of psychological pressure is quite transparent if analyzed in a calm environment, not in the heat of irritation, in a stressful situation. Each technique appeals to one or another of the parents’ weaknesses. On one bait will bait those who feel they are not good enough parents and feel guilty, the other – people who can not stand the public scenes, the third – the anxious, tend to hyperpeople.

However, it would be unfair to blame everything on the child. Do not we adults, do not use the tears, do not blackmail a teenager with his health during violent quarrels? Don’t we buy expensive things to make amends instead of sincerely apologizing? Don’t we threaten, “When his father comes, then we’ll talk…”? Don’t resort to comparisons: “Which of your friends are allowed everything you’re allowed?”…